How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
