Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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