i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
4 words: hood of his car
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
