You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize