we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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