don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
