my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
what day is it and did you see me today?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
