So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm passing your future prison.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
