Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
