I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
babies were throwing up all over the place
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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