He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
