did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
