she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm like, not good at living.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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