I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
