yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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