I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
