She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dicks are not precious.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
