New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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