Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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