having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
