Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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