Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
