i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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