I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
