I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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