We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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