I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
