so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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