DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
