I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
