When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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