If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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