I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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