You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
