Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
