apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm like, not good at living.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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