Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
