Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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