Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
