We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
