So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize