I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My ass is underappreciated
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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