Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
