Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
