nut hugger
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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