I'm jealous of your bromance
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize