is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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