Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
