WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
