why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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