people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
