I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
