just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
