I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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