tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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