pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
