Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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