I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
