I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
