just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
