Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize