Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
