U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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