3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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